back to school

tomorrow morning i move in to my dorm room.

ive never lived away from home before - just one summer program for 3 weeks, another for 2 weeks, and another for 5 days. those hardly count as self-sufficiency and independence, yet they were some of the best experiences of my life.

but leaving home was difficult. i love the way the light slants into my room in the morning. i love the sound of the palm fronds as they brush against my window in a breeze. i love the clutter of my desk, the overstuffed perfection of my bookshelf, and especially my bathroom - silent, pale green, an oasis i designed for myself, a clean and lovely place to sigh.

i love walking down to the apple tree by the horses, watching them nudge up against the fence as i pick a few just-ripening tart green apples and eat them there, their chalky flavor just perfect, just home-grown enough to be real, to be mine.

i love my family, and the animals of our home, and the overstuffed sofa and TV always on CNN and something baked and delicious sitting on the granite countertop waiting to be tasted.

tomorrow something different is to be expected. i have 7 boxes, a car stuffed to the brim with bed, bath, & beyond supplies, and 2 bursting suitcases. im not sure how to feel yet - its been a long summer at times, short at others. i didnt do enough yoga or running or writing or reading, but i spent a lot of time with my mom and dad, a lot of time hiking, and a lot of time sleeping (although its never enough). they're sad to see me go; i feel like im ready - or i am now, after a week of vacation together and 2 months of non-stop company. in a month i may feel differently.

what i am looking forward to most is meeting people, finding my people, finding my friends. making my friends. learning the places to go. falling asleep outside on a grassy lawn, and doing homework in a real live library that awes you. exploring the city around me and going to yoga class with strangers. going to parties. getting drunk. getting kissed. kissing someone back. staying up late, waking up early, going to bed early, waking up late. having breakfast in the common room; going out for pizza; going out for lunch; going out shopping; taking the train; talking, talking, talking, being silent, being happy, being stressed, writing, going to class, learning, exploring, conversing, thinking, thinking a lot, being philosophical, being myself, finding myself, learning to know myself, learning to know other people, learning, learning more, learning to love, learning to live, learning to let live.

i dont know if college can give me this but its time i set out on my own. i could wait, but i can't. it is now; i am not going to stop this adventure. i will embrace it.

boutique

as a girl, i am conditioned to say: "i love shopping. i love clothes. i love shoes. i love handbags. i love makeup and the color pink; i love lace and ruffles and leather and magazines and trends and pretty pouting lips."

some of it rings true. i do like to look at shoes. i do like to run my hand along a rack of nice clothes and feel the whisper of soft fabrics murmur to my palm. each outfit is a new world. 

i am intensely self-conscious, and aware of it. i have moved past the awkward teenage stage of perpetually pulling down my tank top and sucking in my stomach; now i simply know: if i don't think i look good, i will duck my head all day; if i don't feel quite right in what i wear, i will be less myself. i like the adventure of putting together "outfits" or whatever you want to call them.

but do i like shopping? in short: yes. in actuality: no. i hate malls. i hate outlets. i hate warehouses and thrift shops. i'm not trying to be snobby, but the mass production, mass consumption, mass purchase, mass experience: it does not fit. i do not want those clothes that do not fit, even if they are 70% off. i can't see myself in a giant warehouse with fluorescent lighting and refrigerators on aisle 12.

today i went shopping, and i bought nine items exactly. they were at full price. but i did not get a headache from trying to visualize me in the clothes, and i did not need to compete with a rack of discounted cashmere. i had only to look in the soft-lighted mirror. 

that is shopping that i do love - the kind that reminds you of who you are and who you want to be on soft-lighted days.

moonshadow & starlight

it's a beautiful night. really beautiful. the air is soft, the sky is clear, the full moon hangs like a headlight over me. it shines smoother and steadier than a star. it reflects loveliness. on the ocean a river of molten silver light catches the waves, and each gentle hump and furrow is defined by moonshine.
i would like to walk for a while - i don't need much - but my knee aches, and now is not the time. i can wait.
i will miss these big moons, the soft air, the very faint sweet salt smell that drifts to me, the look of yellow torchlights throwing enticing shadows on pale stucco walls, the envy of myself - i envy myself! - for being here. the houses are so beautiful, and so are the palm trees, so many kinds, king and queen and pineapple and sago, all silhouetted in that perfect way that happens at night. it's a beautiful night, and i'll miss it.